Having grown up as the child of two black immigrants in white suburban North Carolina, I have always struggled with belonging. My family and I were the only people of color for miles, isolated and ostracized. As I grew up, I experienced blatant prejudice and racism--from hateful stares to horrible comments from passers-by. I grew to believe that our skin color, accent, and customs were a hex. There were many times when I changed myself in efforts to assimilate, so I viewed my arrival in Paris as no different when I noticed a similar feeling of prejudice. Parisians made no effort to hide their disdain for American tourists.
Similarly, in "Making American Places," McAllister explains that, “In villages or neighborhoods all over the world and throughout history the experience of place has often been oppressive” (p. 225). From McAllister's point of view, place was synonymous with hopelessness for many of our ancestors. He explains that place has often been an experience of insecurity, restrictions, and conflict.
Destined to live out my French fantasy, I thought to myself, how can I put on a disguise in order to shed my Americanness? I mirrored the fashion, the conversational slang, and even the colder Parisian disposition. My desire to blend in eventually led to a huge blowout with my mother. I was subconsciously projecting my insecurities onto her by pushing her to change herself too. Through the argument we had I realized that I was so used to changing for others in order to gain acceptance that I had lost my identity and had become completely hollow. I had little if any connection to who I really was, where I came from, and what my position in the world was. By trying to emulate a Parisian persona and many others, I became very disconnected from my core. I lived in someone else's world.
This part of my personal essay connects to the "historylessness" that McAllister describes as a consequence of leaving a place. When people do not live within the constraints of a certain place they are less likely to be connected to their history, ancestors, inherited culture, and a sense of an appointed role within their community. According to McAllister, this leads to the knowledge of history becoming a form of antiquarianism, and individuals becoming powerless.
